


Mass Effect : Ghost in the Machine

by Khamseen (aoibhealfae)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Dual Narrative, F/M, Novel, Romance, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-10 15:42:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5591881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aoibhealfae/pseuds/Khamseen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the attack on Normandy SR-1, Commander Kaidan Alenko rose to become humanity's greatest hero but it came at a cost of losing the love of his life. He began to chase rumors of Commander Shepard's survival which lead him to a colony in the fringe of the Terminal System. He survived a Collector attack but felt betrayed when he saw his former lover aligned herself with the terrorist group, Cerberus. </p><p>Weeks after the destruction of the Collector Base, Commander Shepard cut ties with Cerberus and returned to Citadel alone. As a Council Spectre, she tried to persuade the Council to unite against the incoming Reaper invasion only to be the subject of ridicule again. </p><p>However, an assassination attempt forced the estranged lovers together. They soon became embroiled in a dangerous conspiracy that could spark an intergalactic war and unveil hidden secrets that could tear them apart forever.</p><p>Set a few weeks after Mass Effect 2 and during the events of Mass Effect Retribution and before Arrival DLC.<br/>(Chapter 8&9; incoming late February, probably)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When do you began to lose your humanity?

The moment when your childhood stop? The first time you put a bullet into someone? Or when you only feel emptiness and you’re drowning.

“Have you seen the videos of inside that ugly Collector ship?”

Shepard glared at the pair of expensive Asari across her who became increasingly animated as time went by.

“But the vids made me want to shower twice. I could feel my skin crawling thinking about the hive. Disgusting insects.”

“And those piles of dead bodies.”

“Maybe they're better off that way.”

As the conversation grew, Shepard felt it grew even harder to stop herself staying still. Her palm ached to slap the smug off their faces.

“Are you going to talk to them?”

Shepard glanced up to see an elderly Turian with his eyes narrowed on the chattering ladies who seemed too engrossed to notice the attention. His face was marked with scars. There were an extensive turian markings that usually denote higher hierarchy. He have the posture of a military officer. He looked sharp and alert for his age. There was something familiar in the way he studied her.

“What would that accomplish?”

The turian gave her a long penetrating look. He knew exactly who she was. She touched the shawl that covered her head and the large dark glasses to hide her eyes.

“You could do better than this if you want to be even more inconspicuous,” he scolded gently.

“What give me away?”

“Everyone is an anonymous stranger in the public until the moment you look at them right in the eye. Those who tried hard to hide themselves tend to make people want to look closer.”

“Fair enough,” Shepard pulled her sunglasses off and smiled.

Suddenly the atmosphere around them turned tense. Shepard saw several people gaped at the sight of her. Now she wished she hadn't listened while the turian chuckled when the Asari couple became very quiet. Meanwhile, the taxi drifted over the Presidium and slowly landed to a stop.

“My mistake,” he winked and held out an arm which she accepted as he escorted her out of the taxi. "I didn't expect the first human Spectre was easily recognizable."

“Normally, I am not,” Shepard studied the turian closer as he lead her toward the Citadel Embassies. "I find its disconcerting that you knew who I was and it took me longer to recognize who you are."

“I’ve already knew you by reputation, Commander Shepard. Especially after your last visits to the Citadel and the rumors I’ve heard of your activities in the Terminus System.”

“You are very well-informed, Mr. Vakarian.”

“I might be retired but I still have my own connections," Gaius Vakarian murmured as they drifted to a stop near the sleek entrance."Of course, I have special interest concerning my son.”

Shepard let go of his arm. “I’m sure you have a lot of questions.”

“Maybe but now that I've seen you. I believe I have you to thank for bringing him back home alive.”

She could see the weary look in his eyes. She felt the weight of his gratitude. “Garrus helped me through many impossible situations and saved me many times that I’m forever in debt. We fought against Saren and Sovereign. And now the Collectors.”

“So I've heard. The Reapers. Garrus mentioned them in our last communication.”

Shepard looked at him hesitantly. “I am sorry that he choose to leave C-Sec. Again.”

“The boy held too much anger in him. I knew this place wouldn't be enough for him. But I doubt you want to hear an old man's regrets. And now I am getting late for the meeting with the son I haven't seen in months. I hope we meet again in under better circumstances, Commander Shepard.”

Shepard watched as the elderly Vakarian strode toward a private cab. It occured to her that he might been following her the moment she left Zakera Ward. She walked toward the Asari receptionist who sat up at attention.

“Commander Shepard? Councilor Anderson is waiting for you in his office.”


	2. Chapter 2

Commander Kaidan Alenko ignored the looks of visiting dignitaries and military personnels as he weaved through the Citadel Embassies. He checked the time. He was aware that he was several hours late. Anderson was cryptic in his brief message but it was enough to make him worried.

He came to the hallway that lead to the Human Councilor's office. The door slid open. The first thing he saw was Anderson. Kaidan was about to greet him when his eyes caught a movement by the balcony.

A dark-haired beauty backed away from her perch by the rail. For a moment, he struggled to breathe. Her fringe shaded her eyes from him but he caught a slight sheen of tears in them before they were replaced with coldness.

“Hello, Kaidan.”

He wasn't sure what he expected when but just like on Horizon, he felt as if he was drowning in myriads of long buried emotions. The shock, the grief, the guilt and the infernal loneliness. He wanted to drag her into his arms. To feel the world turn right again.

He tried to come up with a reply but Anderson's secretary came through the door and nodded to Shepard.

“The rest of the council is waiting for you, Commander Shepard.”

She looked toward Anderson who nodded in encouragement. She followed the Asari without looking at him as she passed by him. The room felt emptier with her absence.

“Shouldn't you be with her and the rest of the councilors?” Kaidan kept his tone neutral but he felt restless inside.

“I will be there shortly. It will be a while until they were done with her. How was Horizon?”

“Recovering. We are making progress with the settlement but they’re still divided about trusting us. I’ve received news that the survivors from Fehl Prime are helping their situation,” Kaidan hesitated. “What is going on?”

“I know you have a lot of questions but this is not the right time.”

“I’ve spent months investigating rumors about her with Cerberus. Suddenly you’re telling me that you knew she was alive the entire time.”

“It wasn't my decision to keep you in the dark but it was necessary. We still didn't know the extend of Cerberus influence on her.”

“She said she was in a coma for the last few years but you knew she was with Cerberus the entire time.”

“Alenko, what will happen if I told you sooner that a terrorist organization want to spend their extensive resources to save her life.”

“I could save her from them. You gave her to them,” Kaidan said, accusingly.

“Believe me, neither of us wanted them to have her but we didn't have a choice. She is dead without their help. Hackett and I have done enough to keep the rest of the Alliance and the council off her back. We were able to minimize the damage to her reputation but Cerberus have been making it hard for us now that she cut ties with them. ”

Kaidan frowned at the councilor's choice of word. “What aren't you telling me?”

“The rest of the council did everything to pacify their people rather than believing that Sovereign was not alone. We are all in danger and open to another invasion. They barely lend a hand when our colonies were taken because they don't want to risk war with the Terminus system. Shepard is our only chance at accomplishing something,” Anderson gaze turned into a glare. “I won't risk you spending the last few years infiltrating every Cerberus base and hoping to find traces of your dead girlfriend.”

Kaidan endured the disapproval while keeping his face neutral.

“I put the two of you together in my team. Whatever relationship you had with her was none of my business the moment she became a Spectre. But I trust the both of you to honor the responsibilities you've been given from the people you serve. She already sacrificed so much. I don't want you to be just as reckless.”

“So you hand her over to the enemy to keep me in line?”

“It was a risk but it paid off. Either way, she is vulnerable. She need our protection.”

“Try telling her that,” Kaidan scoffed.

“Shepard made a very dangerous enemy when she destroyed the Collector base. Right now she needed someone she trust to protect her from him.”

“Him?”

Anderson pulled a hologram interface into the air. Kaidan watched the stream overflow with data, bank accounts, vids and blackened classified reports of Cerberus activities. He was drawn to a picture of a handsome man in his 30s.

“This was the only picture of him that we could recover from the archives on First Contact War. He tried to delete his past from our history but he wasn't thorough enough. Meet Jack Harper, the man who we now refer to as The Illusive Man, the head of the organization that was called Cerberus.”

Then the screen changed to an older man who look even more sinister with strange glowing eyes. More feeds and reports flowed and he caught the familiar signature.

“Shepard is the only one who have the most direct contact with the man. She have been secretly sending us her own encrypted reports and recording meetings. We have our own people analyzing what she have given us.”

“What make you so sure that it wasn't Illusive Man himself leading you on?”

“We still didn't know the scale of his organization but it was enough to cripple their existing operation that was running under our noses. The Turian military and Salarian intelligence offered us their help but I have my hands full with them and their politics.”

Kaidan eyed Anderson with suspicion. “What do you want me to do?”

“Shepard didn't give us everything. She refused to give us the names of all Cerberus personnel that was under her command. She wanted us to secure their immunity.”

“You're asking me to spy on her.”

“I trusted her but I can't have my own Spectre being that naive. If our reports were right, she is protecting some of the most dangerous criminal in the galaxy with her own life. I want to know why.”


	3. Chapter 3

 

Shepard wished she could turn back time. Instead she was in the presence of the unfortunate result of her decision to save the Destiny Ascension. In the absence of Councilor Anderson, she faced the original Citadel Council members who loomed high in their exalted throne. The beautiful ageless Asari diplomat, Tevos; shrewd Salarian conservative, Valern; and the pragmatic, Sparatus, the Turian representative.

“You have seen the footages of the base. You’ve seen what the Collectors did to those people from the Terminus system. Why can’t you accept that the Reapers are harvesting us? That we’re all vulnerable for another attack.”

Tevos loomed from her pedestal. “There is still no direct evidence that the Collectors was working for the Reapers. We only hear this Harbinger and you choose that conclusion because you wanted it to be them. And you've destroyed them all. You have completed your mission.”

"Harbinger was controlling them. Just like Sovereign did with Saren and the heretic Geths," Shepard said.

Valern sneered. "Commander, your paranoia about the Reapers is clouding your judgment. We need facts and not fiction based on your traumatic experience."

Sparatus finally inserted himself into the discussion. Instead of being "And what about your relationship with Cerberus? You said you are enemies now. But you're protecting them."

"I am not protecting Cerberus. I am only protecting my people. They trusted me to protect them and I failed that. I barely had enough time to save them from suffering the same fate as the rest of the colonists."

Tevos shook her head. "I think Cerberus have colored the way you place your loyalty, Commander."

Shepard bit the inside of her cheek hard until she tasted blood. It took every cell within her body not to lash at them.

"I still serve the council and its people. I am still aware of my responsibility as a Spectre and my loyalty is always with the people. What more could I do to convince all of you that the Reaper threat is real?"

"As if we need more of your fairy tales," Valern hissed and stopped when Tevos frowned at him.

The Asari stare down at Shepard. She never seem to lose her serenity even as she spoke.

"We are doing as much as we can but the galaxy is a big place, Commander. Because of humanity’s efforts in the Battle of Citadel, we’ve loosened the restrictions for the Alliance to rebuild and we’ve allowed more funding for defense. But you are still asking too much from this committee when you barely clarify your stance against Cerberus. Some may look at it as an endorsement to their terrorism activity."

Valern smirked. "Yes, about that. How sure are you that you are who you are. I have received interesting reports from the STG about your supposedly resurrection."

"Then you’re well aware that I am very well acquainted with an STG scientist who formerly involved with the recent genophage modification project. I recruited him to help fighting against the Collector's tech. If anything, he would provide your intelligence even more supporting evidence to support my cause."

Tevos began to lose her calm when she confronted the Salarian directly. "Councilor Valern, why you didn't share your new development in private? Commander Shepard, I believe we would reconvene this meeting at a much later date."

Shepard hid her disappointment with a low bow but Sparatus surprised her when he stayed while the other two left. The turian stared down at her for a long while before he 

“Commander Shepard, I hope you will stay for a while. I'd like a word in private. I will have my people escort you come for you shortly.”

Shepard nodded carefully and watched the councilor disappear into one of the hidden path behind the podium. Soon a turian female approached her and introduced herself as Councilor Sparatus' personal assistant and gestured for her to follow.

It was probably a long shot to get one of the alien councilor at her side but a chance nonetheless. 

 

It took half an hour before the Turian councilor emerged into the conference room where Shepard waited in dwindling patience. He looked worn and stressed that part of her felt sympathy despite her dislike for the man himself.

"You have certainly create an impression there. But you need to do more if you want all of us working together for a single cause."

Shepard tried to read the man but came out nothing so she choose to be silent as he walked to a wall where a hidden panel reveal a compartment filled with refreshments. She watched him pouring himself a drink.

"You have a lot of powerful people than you realized. The Vakarians placed a great deal of trust on you. I'd admit that I am impressed."

"You've talked to Garrus?" Shepard said cautiously.

"His father and I goes a long way back when we're young. I was the one who tried offering Garrus his Spectre candidacy after his military service but his father interfered. Garrus never forgive him for that even when his father secured him a job here in Citadel. But you can't control someone with that much fire in him and I am glad that Garrus decided to join your crew."

Shepard shook her head. "I don't understand. Why are you telling me this?"

"What have Garrus told you about his family?"

"Not much."

"Exactly. The boy always want to make his own name. Wanting to prove himself rather than let his family’s name dictate his life. Did you know that his grandfather was once the Primarch of Palaven."

Shepard watched the councilor dumbly. Sparatus rattled on about how Garrus' grandfather had to deal with consequences of Relay 314 Incident and she wondered if Ashley knew all about this.

“I suppose this history lesson is significant in this conversation?” Shepard said and tried to keep the sarcasm out but failed.

"We are still paying the price from that conflict. Gaius felt the Primach’s action during the conflict was questionable. One was deeply traditionalist while the other was pacifist by nature but growing increasingly pragmatic. Naturally, they don’t see eye to eye. Through out the years, I watched the wedge between them grew. Gaius left his father as soon as he could. He choose to serve at the Citadel instead of following his father's footsteps in diplomatic corps. Of course, Gaius remained to be influential in the Turian governance."

"Because of you?"

"Can't be helped. We’re a tightly neat society, most of us grew up together. One our best friend eventually replace his father as a Primarch."

Shepard knew where this is going. "You think I am manipulating Garrus because of his illustrious family?"

"I am not assuming it. I am merely stating it."

"Politics isn't my game, Councilor."

"But you play it really well. I often wondered if it was a calculated move or by chance. You have placed your former commanding officer as one of the most powerful human in the galaxy. You have many friends in all the right places. You held the influence of many more powerful figures."

Shepard snorted. "Like who?"

"I am sure you're aware of the friends you make at the Terminus system. And also your Krogan friend and his people."

"You're watching him?"

“We're always on high alert when the Krogans start doing something drastic."

"Like uniting his people against the people who tried to drive them all to extinction?"

"I am not responsible for the actions of my ancestors a thousand years ago. I am not here to apologize for them.”

“Stop playing games, Sparatus.”

The turian give her a contemptuous sniff. “Recently I receive a very eloquent message from the Clan Leader of Urdnot offering a chance of truce. As long as we let him unite his people against a much larger threat.”

"The Vakarians and now Wrex. I suppose you find yourself in a predicament. Concerning my Reaper delusions?"

"Don't look so smug, Commander."

Shepard saw the weariness inside his eyes. The same look she saw within Gaius' eyes. The ones you have when you saw everything and went through hell and come back and to see it happening again.

"I didn’t intent to make everything hard on you, Councilor. But I saw what the reapers did to my people. What they did to the Protheans. When I close my eyes every night, I saw the visions from the Prothean beacon. I saw everything the reapers did to them. I dream of hell every night that is all what awaits us all. I don't want it to happen when I believe that I could make a difference in preventing them from happening. So help me, Sparatus. Help me save everyone from these monsters."

 

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Kaidan stood near the stairs that lead to the petitioner’s stand. A few hours ago, he came into the proceeding and observed the exchanges in the background without Shepard realizing his presence. He watched her testify and being talked down by the Council like a child. While he disagreed with Shepard wanting the council to grant immunity to her crew, he seethed at the way the politicians barely took her warnings and the constant denial about the Reapers’ existence. It made him remember the years before when he stood behind her as her lieutenant and how she braved their rebuke without flinching.

He had been waiting for her to come out but she was taken into one of the private rooms nearby. When she finally emerged, she looked slightly defeated and withdrawn. She appeared to be in a deep thought that she didn’t look up to see him waiting for her. He purposely walk into her path and she nearly fell. He caught her arm to steady her while she stiffened at his sight. Parts of him fought the urge to pull her straight into his arms. To breath into the soft scent of her skin. He missed her so much.

Surprise faded from her face, she conjured a hardened emotionless mask even as she gave him a gentle smile that didn't reach her eyes. He braced himself for her wrath but watched dumbly when she walked around him. He stare after her, feeling as if he was being dismissed, he felt his irritation grew. He decided to follow her through the opulent Council Chamber. By the time they reached the elevator, she still keep her eyes on everywhere but him.

"Are you ever going to talk to me?"

He heard her wince. "Do you have to do this right now? People are watching."

“No calls. No text messages. Did you know that I found out about your little suicide mission only a few days later after you went through that relay?"

"Would it make a difference if you found out about it sooner?"

"'Hey, Kaidan, I'm going to go through the Omega-4 relay and try not to kill myself again. Do you want to come?'" Kaidan said, imitating her tone.

"I've already asked and you said no."

"You're asking me to join Cerberus. And I tried to call again but you shut me out. Did you even read my messages?"

"Kaidan..."

Shepard shut her mouth when the pneumatic elevator came for them. Unfortunately, he saw an elcor diplomat and a volus ambassador coming toward them. Kaidan hid his frustration but he remembered his manners. The elcor diplomat mumbled his thanks as he inserted himself into the compartment. Due to their species large girth, the elcor took up a lot space while the volus chattering on about the state of galactic economy.

It was a tight fit with both of them sandwiched by the wall. Kaidan didn't complain much since Shepard was pressed against him whenever the large alien move to talk to the volus at his side.

He could feel her breath against his neck and her soft breasts against his arm. He waited until she lifted her gaze to meet him in the eye.

Gone were the scars she had. She look softer and so much younger and yet she look hard and world-weary. Whatever Cerberus did to her, they didn't take away the haunted look from her eyes. It was strange that it reminded him of the first time he saw her. Beautiful and yet filled with sorrow. Strong and yet steeped in loneliness.

He reached for her but it broke whatever hold he had on her. She blinked and the silent anger returned. She was the first to look away. He could feel her pulling away from him. He tried to reach her again but the elevator drifted to a stop. He heard her soft sigh of relief. Her rejection felt like a sharp knife lance through his heart.

They had to wait while the volus and the elcor shuffle out. Shepard refused to meet his gaze again until they were cleared to leave. She moved away too quickly that he had trouble catching up to her.

He tasted it against the tip of his tongue and called out her real name. She stopped dead in her track. He started to move toward her but then he heard someone called his name. It wasn’t her.

"Kaidan?"

He turned and to his amazement, it was Rahna. The woman gasped as she rushed toward him. Before he could do anything, he caught her when she threw herself into his arms.

Kaidan felt a chill across his spine when he saw Shepard's focused glare on Rahna. It was the look she has when she saw a target she wanted to destroy. Normally, it meant someone is missing their head. Dimly he was aware that Rahna was talking to him.

"I found out about Horizon. I feared the worst. Someone told me you're here. I came as soon as I can. I was so worried about you. You should've check your messages."

"Yes, Rahna, I just come back and didn't check terminal just yet. You can see that I am fine."

"Is this a bad time?" Rahna let him go. She realized Kaidan was looking around her shoulder. She gasped when her eyes found Shepard staring at them. "Commander Shepard?"

Shepard's looked pinched but she gave Rahna a neutral smile as she approach them.

"You know who I am but I believe we haven't met," Shepard offered her hand and Rahna shook it.

"I'm Dr Rahna Karayel. I worked in the nearby biotic research facility. I read about what you did in the Battle of Citadel. Then what you did about all the kidnappings at the Terminus system. You are absolutely amazing."

Shepard kept a terse smile. She looked anywhere but at the woman in front of her. He knew what she was thinking. She must have pieced together that Rahna was the doctor he mentioned in his message.

The simulated sky over them dimmed. After a couple of second, they were suddenly plunged into darkness. The power went off and on again. But he could still see it was just their part of the Presidium. The people around them began to panic.

He kept a calm demeanor and turned to reassure Rahna that everything was fine. He turned to Shepard and noted how she suddenly went deathly still.

He called out her name. She didn't respond. He walked toward her and even in the dim lighting, he noticed she had a nosebleed. He reached out to wipe them away but she didn’t react to his touch nor his voice. He called her name again. She looked dazed and disoriented. Something was wrong. He lifted her palm to his face and he felt her trembling.

"Kaidan? I can barely see you. Why can't I see you?"

The rest of her whispered words became slurred. Shepard stumbled, he caught her before her legs gave away beneath her. Her eyes were wide and unfocused. In the dim light, he saw her iris turned dark and then metallic. He could see several tiny camera lenses inside her pupil. But it was the stark horrified look that caught him off-guard. She was completely blind.

"Shepard, can you hear me?" Kaidan brought her hand to his face. It calmed her slightly but then her entire body began to clench and shake uncontrollably. He placed her on the ground and tried to calm her. He saw Rahna stood frozen with fear, he snapped at her. "I need help! Call for ambulance."

Shepard jerked and went still. She stopped breathing as well. He shook her but she remained unresponsive. Before his rising panic choke him, his medical training kick in. He started to perform mouth to mouth and chest compressions. He called her name repetitively in between each breaths.

After a couple of minutes, he barely noticed a hand on his shoulder. He saw Citadel medical transport vessel was hovering to park near them. He watched in shock as two medical personnel emerged. Kaidan gave them space as they rushed for Shepard's lifeless body. They began to resuscitate her. It felt like losing her the first time.

“We have pulse.”

He watched them carried her away. Leaving him in his own misery with the last remnant of the feeling of having her still body in his arms.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Shepard became aware of the persistent aches in her muscle. She tried to open her eyes but the light was too bright that it pierced through her skull.

She wanted to move but her arms felt wooden. Her legs heavy. She could hear muffled whispers. The familiar smell of a sterile environment. A hospital?

Almost immediately, she felt suffocated by the thought. She willed herself to wake up. It took her a moment for the lights to stop hurting her eyes.

It felt so eerie similar to the time when she woke up to sounds of explosions. Miranda's voice urging her to run. But nothing was burning. There was no screaming. She was safe. Yet instinctively she knew she can never be safe. Reapers are coming.

She heard someone calling her name but everything was blurry. She reached out. She found warm callused fingers. Strong arms engulfed her and immediately she felt herself tearing up. She pushed him away. She tried to hide her burning face away even as more voices came. She tried to say something but it came out like a strangled scream.

What is wrong with her? Why can't she remember what happened? Why is he here? Why everything felt so alien? Why does everything felt too much?

Then she heard soothing whispers. Cold calmness washed through her veins. She stopped gasping for air. She sighed when everything dimmed. Familiar numbness returned. The clawing feel began to dissipate back to the periphery of her consciousness. She felt sane again.

Her eyes finally focused. She was surrounded by strangers. She sought for the familiar face who haunted her cold nights. She saw the shock. The pain reflected in his gaze. They shamed her. She wiped away the tears. She looked around again. It didn't feel like the same infirmary she was used to in the wards. Everything smell clean and new. She hated it.

As her mind began to clear, she recognized the soothing voice of Dr Karin Chakwas by her side. She was addressing to the Salarian doctors who was looking at her with avid curiosity. They were talking but she could barely hear them clearly. Chakwas motioned everyone to leave. She saw him and turned away quickly. She breathe easily when they left. Chakwas returned but Shepard stare at her moving lips dumbly. The woman paused, switched her omnitool again, Shepard's hearing returned.

"Can you hear me, Commander?"

Shepard rubbed against her ears and nodded. She opened her mouth only to wince at the dryness. Chakwas handed her a cup of ice chips. She nodded her thanks.

"The sedatives wore off quickly before I could ease the transition. I still need to take some readings every few hours to make sure your expensive implants recover."

"You gave me something earlier. What is it?"

"A mixture of strong CNS depressant and muscle relaxant."

Shepard groaned. "I don't like it when you do that again."

"If you have another one of those episodes again, you might suffer through another seizure. If you're lucky, a stroke. Besides, with your above average metabolism, I'm not sure those drugs would work more than a couple of hours."

"Another reason to hate Cerberus. Can't get drunk until I drink the bar empty."

"I'm sure it come in handy when someone tried to poison you again."

"What happened in Omega, stays in Omega."

Chakwas snorted. "Keep telling yourself that, commander."

"What happened exactly?"

She saw the doctor's eyes darting to the door and she looked at her apologetically.

"One of your implant is a vagus nerve stimulator. Normally, it helps your body to function under duress, speed up your recovery and prevent symptoms of PTSDs. "Less medical talk?"

"Something glitched your implants. They didn't work momentarily but it was enough. While the implants tried to reboot itself, your body became confused and start reject these implants. Signals got mixed up. Next thing you're on the floor with a war hero trying to resuscitate you."

"Someone tried to kill me in the Presidium?"

"I am not the right person to ask the hows and the whys. You'll have to talk to the other commander outside the door."

Shepard frowned at the doctor. "Didn't I tell you to lay low until I sort everything out for everyone?"

"I got a call from Garrus telling me to rush to the hospital before the doctors try to kill a mutual friend. You're in an induced coma when I arrived and that was two days ago. He was on his way back to Palaven right now."

"That's good. About Garrus, I mean."

"I've kept Joker out of the loop but Miranda found out through one of her channels. She gave up the remaining data on your reconstruction project. I've been consulting her occasionally. We decided that the damage is minimal. There was no real danger to you now and it was unnecessary to keep you under heavy sedation."

Shepard eyed her suspiciously. "Who did you tell?"

"Councilor Anderson. I need the clearance to reach you. The doctors might pick up something with their medscans but I haven't indulge into their curiosity just yet."

"How much did he know?"

"Enough to convince him that you are still you."

"He believed that?"

"I've also had to convince him that Cerberus didn't just rebuild you, they resurrected you. I show the schematics and the medical logs. How your remarkable brain is biological and how most of your body was grafted cloned tissues, Cerberus tech and patchwork of healing bone fragments and prosthetics."

"How did he react?"

Chakwas smiled and gestured to the door. "He should be outside. He always come around afternoons to check on your progress. He put Kaidan in charge on the investigation of your attack just so he could make himself functional."

Shepard smiled slightly but she kept her mouth shut.

"I told him that I'm bringing you out of the induced coma. Must have scared him when you woke up in the middle of it. Can't really blame him for being protective. You really did a number on him."

I could say the same thing about him.

Shepard rubbed her sore chest. Chakwas watched her carefully. "I could make them go away until you're ready for visitors."

Shepard stretched and felt completely fine. Maybe it was the drug. Or her implants that kept her functioning. Sometimes it made her feel like she was living under the skin of someone else.

"When can I leave?"

"Commander, you just woke up," Chakwas scolded.

"You said it yourself, I'm healthy. And I hate hospitals. I want real food."

"Do you think they will let you walk out like nothing happened?"

"This bed is for someone far less healthier than me and I have Spectre authorization. I can walk out of that door and you can't stop me."

Chakwas shook her head slightly. "Or I could drug you to sleep."

"I kept a bottle of your favorite Ice Brandy in my bunk."

"You’ve misplaced your prototype warship with the Migrant Fleet, remember?"

"I need Normandy fixed and its free of charge. Besides, Tali know what she's doing."

"I hope you do too."

Someone knocked on the door and Chakwas went to check it. It was Anderson. Chakwas whispered something before she let him in and left. Anderson took a chair next to the bed and watched her with his steady dark eyes.

"Are you well, commander?"

Shepard smiled. "My luck doesn't run out yet."

"Knowing you. I'm sure it was pure stubbornness rather than luck."

A comfortable silence stretched between them. Shepard choose to study her N7 mentor. He looked even more worn out than the last time she saw him at his office. Anderson leaned over with his hands rubbing his knuckles.

"Something else happened?"

"I met an old friend today," Anderson looked pensive."I'm resigning my position in the council. I'm nominating Udina as the next human councilor."

Shepard blinked and choose to stay muted as she waited for him to continue.

"There has been a development. I am going to be away in a couple of weeks or maybe longer. I don't want you to be at the Citadel for the time being."

"You're giving up your position? Are you insane?"

"You gave me this job, remember? I tried and I know you meant well but my place isn't with the politicians. And what I am doing next will make me even more unpopular with the parliament. You said it yourself. We all need to be prepared and I can't do it from here. I'm resuming my position as an Admiral in the military."

"Do you need my help?"

Anderson gave her a strange look. "Aren't you suppose to be in a coma a little while ago?"

"Induced coma. Chakwas can give me her drugs to keep me happy which is very irrelevant at this moment. But I'm fine, let me help."

Anderson shook her head. "You have done enough. I'm assigning Alenko as your protection detail. Once you're cleared, he will take you to Terra Nova."

Shepard blinked. "Terra Nova? Anderson, someone tried to kill me. I want to find out who and why."

"Someone tried to kill you at the Presidium using a weapon that could specifically disable your Cerberus implants and kill you. You need to stay out of this and keep safe."

"Your clear solution is to ship me off to a garden colony?"

"Take it as a vacation. You look like you need it and frankly you deserve it. Lay low with Alenko until we sort out this mess. Give us time to fix this."

"You have your suspect then?" Shepard wondered about why Anderson would willingly give up his powerful role in the galaxy and what implication his action that could jeopardize him politically. "You think it was Cerberus?"

Anderson's face turned to stone.

Shepard sighed. "You think I'll go running back to them?"

"You did petition for a diplomatic immunity for your Cerberus crew."

"Whose loyalty is for me. They are good people who want to make a difference and are willing to die with me."

"How certain are you that they won't harm you after that snub you gave to the Illusive Man? These people implant bombs inside their skull. They killed themselves before they could reveal anything about their organization. That is how fanatic they can be. I have to ask Chakwas if they did the same to you."

"He wanted me to be exactly who I was before. They did nothing except bringing me back alive just so I could achieve the impossible and give them more Reaper tech. But I am under obligation to protect my own people . You of all people should know that about me."

Anderson shook his head and he stood up and turned to leave. "As of this moment, you and Dr Chakwas will be under guard at all times. All your communication devices will be confiscated and monitored. As a Spectre, you may choose to renegade on this but I'm not hesitating to make Alenko a Spectre just to hunt you down if you try to warn your Cerberus friends."

"You're starting to sound like Udina."

Anderson paused by the door and look at her one last time. "I guess he did rub off on me."

 

Huerta Memorial Hospital sat on the connecting bridge overlooking the lake. Occasionally, she saw birds flying overhead and the false sunlight cast a sheen of beauty to an otherwise flat and sterile scenery. It was strange that she knew Citadel was created by the Reapers. She should be in disgust. And yet after seeing all this, it made her wonder if given the chance...

Shepard heard the door slid open and shut behind her. She turned and stare at Kaidan who was holding a tray of food. She watched him set it on the overbed table.

"Salisbury steak and brown sauce. Not as good as the real thing, of course, but it will do."

She sat up and could only stare at the diner numbly. After a while, Kaidan picked up the utensils and sat behind her on the bed and placed a fork in one hand. She cut a small piece easily and brought it to her mouth. The meat was juicy and flavorful. It was probably the best hospital food in her entire life.

As she ate, her hair was being swept over her neck. She felt warm lips brushed against her skin. While he slowly caressed her skin, she finished the food with efficiency. She pushed the overbed away and leaned against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and she closed her eyes as she listen to the sound of his breath against her ears.

"Still mad at me?"

She felt her lips quirked into a smile and felt him place a kiss against the side of her head. "I thought you've replaced me with your childhood love."

"I've considered it. We had a drink and then I heard a certain rumor that a certain someone is alive. I left the bar almost immediately."

A rumor that was planted to lead him away from Council space and into the Terminus system.

There were so many things she wanted to say. Part of her wanted to hurt him like he did to her. The pragmatic part urged her to cut him off her life. To stay away from him. While the selfish part of her wanted him to hold her tight, to let him fill her with the promises of love and happiness. For him to never let her go.

He deserved better and she was anything but that.

Her life ended a long time ago. When her family died so she could live. For years they became reason why she had to become strong. So that nobody would have to die to keep her safe again. But what she didn't expect was him.

She had imagined it herself, standing over his corpse because she failed to keep him safe. Because she was cursed to lose everyone she cared about. Because she dared to love.

She felt herself being turned gently. She touch the roughness of his jawline. Savored his warmth against her skin. His intoxicating masculine scent. His velvet lips dipped and trailed across her cheek. He caught her lower lips within his. He nibbled softly until she opened her mouth and let him in.

Her fingers sunk into his thick wavy hair. She held on to him as they as he deepened the kiss. She could feel the desperation in him. The years of loneliness that matched hers that made her feel less broken with each heartbeat. She missed this. She missed him.

He leaned back to the bed until she was lying on top of his chest. She wrapped her arms around him. She laid her head against his chest. A shudder run through his body, she felt it travel to her fractured soul.

For the first time in many months, she found home.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Word of the blackout spread fast but the C-Sec were able to keep the incident localized and attribute it to power failure. Kaidan did what he could with C-Sec.

They recovered the source of origin but whatever it was had fused itself into solid metal junk. The Alliance investigators were trying as they can to identify the device but so far he was left with dead end.

"The device emit a narrow spectrum of electromagnetic pulse upon detonation. It cause minimal damage to the power grid and electronic devices within its radius but the pulse emit a specific wavelength that was sensitive to advanced elctro-biological components. Several Keepers self-destruct within its tight radius but I believe the device's intended target was Commander Shepard."

Tell me something I don't know.

Kaidan turned from the Alliance analyst and eyed the multiple screens in front of him. The data stream was obscured with several vids of security camera that was placed within the section of presidium.

The holographic interface allowed a projection showing a reenactment that happened before and after the blackout. He could see the miniature people with name tags attached to them and the exact moment when Shepard was in proximity with the device that was hidden within the keeper's tunnels.

It was by chance that the C-Sec had the tunnels checked in the aftermath. The Presidium have always been the focus point of any potential terrorists attacks. Too many important people in the galaxy within on place. One of them happened to be the Savior of the Galaxy.

Kaidan's lips curled at the thought of her. She would have hated it.

"Do you have anyway to identify the applied technology?"

"We will have to analyze the feeds, correlate cumulative data and radiation signatures from every available channels. But it will take some time for a preliminary results."

Predictable, as always. Kaidan stare at a noisy static of Shepard’s unmoving body. Even if he was assured that she was alive and well, the horror still fresh inside his mind.

"Commander Alenko, sir, may I ask, why would something like EMP could have affected the Spectre that she needed medical attention when no one else except the keepers are affected by it?"

Kaidan hesitated."Send everything you find about the device to me and keep me updated. I want complete discretion. Nothing get out of this room."

Kaidan left the Alliance Military branch for the Investigation sections of Citadel Security Office. Captain Armando Bailey, a newly transfered C-Sec officer contacted him earlier about a potential lead to Shepard's case. But what he didn't expect was to find Rahna waiting for him.

"Rahna, what are you doing here?"

"I will give you two some space," the C-Sec officer stood up and left the room.

Rahna looked out of place in her science uniform but she braved him when he sat in front of her. He reach out for her hand to give some reassurance.

"Kaidan, I'm sorry about your friend. I know she meant a lot to you."

Was it too obvious? he wondered as Rahna continued.

"Do you remember the friend who told me where to find you at the Presidium?"

Kaidan frowned. His mind refreshed itself with all the events in the last three days.

"You said someone told you where to find me?"

"I thought he was a mutual friend of ours from that reunion at the bar. I bumped into him at lunch on that day. He looked like he was in a hurry. I didn't think anything was suspicious when he told me to go to Presidium. And well, I received something in my mail this morning and I don't think it was for me. I don't want to give it to the C-Sec officer before I show it to you."

Rahna handed him a brown unopened thin envelope. There were no markings to show who the sender was but the recognizable winged symbol caught his eyes.

He used his omnitool to scan the content and the scanner didn't pick up anything suspicious. He called out for the captain and handed him the envelope for inspection.

"This friend. You said he was at the reunion?"

"Well, you know, I can't remember everyone. We had to much alcohol.You left before you could see him. He had implant scars on his scalp. He seem to know so much about you. I thought he was your friend."

Kaidan felt his eye twitched but kept his face neutral.

"Could you remember anything about him? His name. What he look like?"

"He said his name was John. Dark tanned skin. Handsome. He's tall as you and he looked like a soldier. He had military crew cut. I thought he was one of your military friends."

"He is not. What make you so certain he was in the military?"

"He have that way with him. I'm sorry, I shouldn't trust people easily."

The captain put down the envelope and went to a terminal nearby. "I think we could use an imagining software to help Miss Karayel with a face composite."

"You'll need to pick up surveillance at Dark Star lounge." Kaidan supplied the date and time, the captain obliged. "Rahna, why make you think he's a friend of mine?"

"He tells stories about the days at BaAT. He said he worked with you. He knew that you're trying to get over the loss of someone you're close to. He was so charming and..." Rahna began to look uncomfortable but Kaidan caught her reluctance.

"You slept with him?"

"It was just a one night stand."

Kaidan tried not to look exasperated but failing. "Did you tell him anything about me?"

Rahna shook her head. "You know I haven't met you since you left BaAT. Kaidan, he knows a lot about you. He even said he was your best friend. I was convinced."

After a long grueling hour of gentle interrogation, Rahna was escorted home by a C-Sec officer. Captain Bailey and Kaidan were now perusing the content of the envelope. What lie inside was merely a clear hardened plastic and next to it was the facial composite of a man he never seen before.

"We're back to square one," the captain grumbled. "No trace of explosive or biological contaminant that could identify a sender. For all the scans told us, it was just trash."

"Maybe it would respond to its intended recipient."

"I thought you're a Spectre candidate."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow. "Can't believe all the rumors."

Bailey eyed him thoughtfully and nodded to the clock. "Shouldn't you be somewhere? The hospital visiting hours is about to end."

"Thanks. I'll take these," Kaidan took the clear plastic and the copy of their suspect into his jacket.

 

Kaidan saw her slender frame through the frosted glass wall. He entered the room and barely hear the door slide shut behind him. She looked healthier than the last time he saw her. It still felt odd to see her in civilian clothing but she remained beautiful as always. She had her back toward him. She appeared to be in a deep thought.

She didn't stir when he approached her. His hand reached for the back of her arm and it was then that she twisted away from him. A simple gesture. Putting a distance between them.

"Are we back to playing this game again?" he said, his frustration grew.

Shepard remained unperturbed by his scathing glare. "Do you come here for a reason?"

"If I say no, will you throw me out?"

"I can't."

"Didn't you have your Spectre authorization?"

"Haven't you heard that I am now under house arrest unless accompanied by an assigned agent of the council," Shepard gave him a look that should have given him chills instead of making his cock stood at attention.

"Ah, you're mad because of that."

"Did you know that Chakwas will be taken in by the internal affairs if I didn't cooperate by staying nice and quiet in this glass compartment? I can't even call Anderson because I am not to be trusted with any communication devices?"

"That was rather overkill. I will have a talk to them. No worries."

"Now aren't you the big guy who get to boss around. Things must have been good being the human councilor's trusted minion, huh?"

Kaidan frowned and noticed the welts near the skin inside her elbows. He reached out to grab her arms before she could shy away. He rubbed his thumbs against the welts. Some of them started to bleed.

It was something she did when she worries or stressed enough. This was bad.

"Talk to me," he whispered gently. He ran his hand over her back and massaged her tensed muscles.

"I don't like it here."

"Is it too much?"

She nodded slightly. He gathered her close against his chest and tightened his arms around her.

Sixteen years ago, a small army of Batarian slavers and pirates raided a human colony in the fringe of the Traverse. The Alliance was unprepared by the viciousness of the attack. They left the population vulnerable. The people were caught unprepared when the Batarian slavers began raiding and ravaged most populated settlements.

They captured every adults and children. They chained them with shock collars. They drilled nerve implants through their skulls to ensure complete obedience or death. Many died from the crude surgical procedures while many more who choose to fight and defend their home. It was futile effort and most were slaughtered by the mercenaries. The Alliance eventually came to liberate the planet after a week of occupation and found utter devastation.

She was merely a teenage girl when she watched her family die trying to protect her from being enslaved. When the Alliance rescued her, she was found buried alive with the remains of her parents. She was one of the survivor of the the greatest tragedy in recent human history and lived to tell the tale. She changed her name and joined the military only to suffer through another tragedy on Akuze.

Always a survivor, never a victim.

He could see it now. Cerberus had erased her physical scars but they couldn't take away the ugly ones inside her. This is the woman who told him a story of a sad little girl who lived among the stars.

How the monsters took everything from a girl. How the little girl lay in a bed of rocks with her parents cold arms around her. How the girl cry when good people tried to fix her broken body but she was only left with only ghosts to mourn.

Kaidan closed his eyes. Berated at his foolishness for pushing her away callously on Horizon. For failing to listen to her silent broken pleas.

He sighed against her soft hair and took her hands within his.

"Do you want to stay with me tonight?"

Shepard turned her face against his neck.

"Are you offering me your couch?" she asked.

"I could offer something a lot more comfortable than that. As long as you're not mad at me."

"I don't like people bossing me around," she grumbled.

"Statement : Commander Shepard don’t want people to boss her around. Oww!"

Kaidan rubbed at his side where she had viciously poked with her finger.

"Aren't you going to get in trouble being seen fraternizing with your charge?" she said.

"I'd rather you use your magical Spectre pass on them and make them all disappear."

Shepard narrowed her eyes on him. She looked like she means business this time and he braced for it.

"Where is Anderson?"

"I don't know. The embassy office seemed busier than usual. But he left me with some orders and instructions. I can’t even stay here long but I will make some arrangements for you."

"He want you to ship me off to Terra Nova. Said I'd be safer there. What is going on?"

Kaidan was unsure to explain without revealing everything to her. "Well, let's just say, a lot of people will be gunning for our heads."

Shepard stiffened. "He's planning something stupid, is he?"

"Anderson is a big boy. He can handle everything without us."

And if the councilor was successful in his campaign, it would be the end of Cerberus. Once and for all.

 

By the time his day ended, Kaidan was exhausted but satisfied. He and several senior officers conducted several raids and arrests on several high-profile prominent figure in Citadel. From charges than span from funneling money to known Cerberus front companies, selling government secrets and many more. He authorized several of his spec ops unit to oversee the extraction of several undercover agents within Cerberus cells.

At the same time, some of his men ensured Shepard's safe transfer from Huerta Memorial Hospital to his apartment in the Wards. The Council had provided him with a quaint apartment which was much larger than the ones the Alliance provided as a lieutenant. A studio apartment with partitioned living area, a master bedroom and a bathroom. The living room were dimly lit, he could see Chakwas in the dining room alone. The older woman smiled at the sight of him.

"Alenko, how was the biotic upgrade? Do you need medications to help deal with the migraines?"

Straight to business. The women in his life.

He started to reach for his implant scar but forced his hand down. Instead he reach out a glass of water in front of her. He held it up, mentally project his biotics outward and let go. The glass remained suspended in the air.

It was a simple game for biotic children to test their abilities and range of control. Any average biotics have the ability to move something on a table. Anyone who could lift it up and suspend it in the air, would be classified as significant. Someone would call the parents and offer to pay for your education in exchange for future employment. That was how he was selected for BaAT program.

This time he concentrate further inward. He felt the moisture and its fluidity down to the molecular level. He separate the water from the suspended glass. The water float in the air. He looped in an infinity for a full ten seconds before he let the water pour into its vessel without spilling a drop. He set the glass down gently.

The medical officer looked at him thoughtfully but she couldn’t hide the slight glint of fear. He should have grown used to it but it stung, regardless.

"I am having trouble trying not to spike higher than what I'm used to but overall it is manageable. Are you sure this is safe?"

"Very safe. I'm glad that you've improved your control on your biotics in these last few years. Any headaches?"

"I haven't strain anything yet," Kaidan said as he moved to sit across her. "Tell me how Cerberus managed to score this technology when the rest of the world just started to use variants of L-3 amps."

"I could tell you but I doubt Shepard would want me to spill the beans especially when it involved one of her friends. Don't worry, the schematics is from a trusted source."

Chakwas studied him for a long while. Then she busied herself putting a tray of takeout dinner in front of him. He saw another set uneaten and gestured toward it.

"She want to lie down for awhile but it has been hours. She is in the bedroom."

"How was she really? Tell me everything and don't lie to me."

Chakwas sighed wearily.

"Physically she's fine but she's been losing sleep for months before and it has been taking a toll. I’ve prescribed some medications but I don’t think she would willingly take them unless I told her to. Her stress level remained off the charts. I think her old nightmares returned. She tried to hide it as always but it wore her out. I am not her psychiatrist. I can help broken bones and gun shot wounds but I can't reach her out."

"You think I can help?"

Chakwas squeezed his forearm. He felt the static on his skin latched on her arm but she didn't appear to notice it. "When Cerberus came to me and told me that she was still alive and they need me to be part of her crew. I didn't believe any of them but Anderson contacted me soon after. He told me to accept the position."

Kaidan frowned. "When was this?"

"A year ago. I was taken to a Cerberus research facility," Chakwas stopped herself for a drink. "They only want me to determine whether they were fixing her body right. They want Commander Shepard to be the exact person who she was."

"Did you see her then?" he said.

Chakwas shook her head.

"She was always locked inside the main procedure room with only advanced surgical equipments helping to keep her alive. No one could come in except for few head scientists. I doubt many of them was alive especially after we escaped the Lazarus station. With the amount of work their scientists did to make her alive and well again…”

She had a far away look on her face before she continued.

“Cerberus have been watching her since their experiment on Akuze. They had everything they needed. Medical reports, biological samples, entire cell line, cloned cells and more. They even have her ovary tissues cryo-preserved. They have been studying her for half a decade. Collecting samples from her under the pretense of routine medical examinations without she even realizing it. I watched them studying her genomes, trying to correct and alter her cells so that what remains of her body would except the patchworks of mechanical prosthetics and grafted biological implants. I was in the room, living among the tissue engineers as they try to recreate functioning organs and reconstruct her body from scratch. Once they rebuild every part of her body and they enhanced her even further. She is more resilient. She heal faster. Her sight, senses and reflexes were enhanced that exceeded the standards of military programs. The entire Lazarus project was dedicated to engineer her to be a perfect soldier."

Kaidan’s mind spun from the various jargons but he made his mouth move to speak.

"Why are you telling me all this?"

Chakwas closed her eyes and appeared to compose her thoughts.

"I know you have doubts, Commander. Cerberus might be everything you claim they were and even worst they were all true. They brought her back but I am not certain she feels that she was herself. But know this, you are important to her. Don't let her go."

Silence fell between them. Chakwas announced she was ready to leave. He called for the security he had placed in the perimeter of the floor. Within moments, an Alliance came to the door and escorted her out. Kaidan cleared the table and store the untouched dinner in the fridge.

After a long while, he went the bedroom and saw that the door was barely shut. Through the narrow slit, he saw her sleeping on his bed. He could only stare.

Little did she know, he was infatuated with her long before she was aware of his existence as her staff lieutenant. He had caught glimpses of her while serving on SSV Tokyo. He was a mere marine who was trying to fit in among his peers. She was the unattainable senior officer.

As an N7 graduate, she was mostly assigned for special tasks and covert operations that require her expertise and skill sets. Despite being in a different branch of special forces in the fleet, they had crossed past and occasionally she would take command of operations that was too big for them to handle. He had seen her work and grew to admired her as a soldier. As a man, he saw the beautiful woman underneath her armor and felt captivated.

After he was reassigned for the Normandy team, an enterprising news reporter hacked into the Alliance human resources database and found a potential story. A woman born out of tragedy of Mindoir and survived the great tragedy on Akuze. The reporter leaked everything in a live interview. Almost immediately, news spread like wildfire. Before the military could control the situation, the damage was done.

Shepard became Earth's most famous Systems Alliance hero. A tragic figure and the symbol of resilience in the unknown galaxy.

Soon the military realized the publicity have a far greater potential. The brass made the face of the Alliance military. They also embellished the tales of her survivals and credited her as humanity's greatest hero. Enlistment numbers rose significantly. Predictably most of the Alliance soldiers fancied themselves being in love with her. As a victim of her charms, he could hardly blame them either.

He witnessed the entirety of this debacle. This gross invasion of her privacy that would have break any lesser men. Instead, she faced the criticism and the unwanted attention as if they were nothing but minor inconvenience. She let her military achievements speak for her and collected envious haters and even more ardent admirers.

At the same time, she build a fortress that kept everyone second guessing about trying to approach her and it made her absolutely unobtainable.

It was until Eden Prime that he never realized the depth of his feelings for her especially after she nearly died trying to save him. What started as an infatuation became an obsession. He struggled with his protective need to keep her safe but soon he grew to trust in her abilities.

She taught him how to control the battlefield, to preserve his energy and building his strength and make every moves count. He taught her how to use her smaller frame against a larger foe, to see the weakness in biotics and tech-skilled assailants and exploit them.

They worked in sync and dominate until every mission emerged as success. Which is amazing considering they were mostly fighting Saren's armies of Geth and cloned Krogans.

What started as professional relationship and camaraderie became friendship and something more. Whatever hero worship he had for her was gone and in place was something far deeper. Something that was desperate.

She was under his skin and inside his bloodstream. Ilos was the point of no return for them both. In a moment of madness, he risk everything just to have her.

Miraculously, they emerged victorious. They wanted more than just the memory of one night together. Dance among the strangers. Secret dates. Stolen nights.

But nothing last forever.

He remembered it vividly. He could still taste the scent of smoke and electrical fire. The last moment of her standing with her back toward him. Refusing to look at him even as she ordered him to save herself. Like an idiot, he left her to die.

It was all his fault.

Kaidan moved away from the door and head toward the island where he kept his alcohol. He grabbed a whiskey and drank straight from the bottle. He felt the liquid sunshine burn a path until it fades. The numbness lingered behind.

"Kaidan?"

He went still. He heard her coming closer until she paused at the sight of the bottle.

"Rough day?" she asked.

He set the bottle down and gathered her into the circle of his arms.

She is beautiful, he thought.

He watched her lips softened to a smile as he caressed her. 

But it was more than just a physical beauty. There were purity and fire in her. Always threatening to burn anyone who dare to come too close. He even had scars to prove it.

He gently traced the shape of her jaw with his knuckle.

"I'm sorry for what I said on Horizon. If I would take it all back, I would. I'm sorry for leaving you alone on the Normandy. I'm sorry for not trying hard to save you."

She lean down and kissed his fingers. A stray tear escaped. He lean down to kiss the salt away.

"Commander Shepard don't cry," he murmured against her cheek.

"Did you miss me?" she whispered.

Kaidan stare into her bright eyes in revered silence before he allowed himself to feel the last remnants of his grief.

"Part of me die everyday thinking you're gone from this universe. I'd give up everything just to see you alive again. To touch you again. To love you again."

"I am alive. I am here. What are you going to do about it?"

He sealed her mouth with his. She opened her mouth and he invaded her mouth ruthlessly until she pulled away for much needed air.

She wore nothing underneath the chemise. She let him pull it over her head and helped him unbutton his shirt and trousers. Her naked skin felt glorious against his.

He kissed a line on her neck until he found her nipple and sucked until it hardened against his tongue. After a while, he began to torture the unattended breast. His hand reach down to spread her legs. He caressed her folds until warm wetness coated his fingers. His cock throbbed but he ignored it. Savoring her sweet moans and the delicious shivers that she made.

Kaidan raised to his full height and smiled at the upturned dreamy face. He sucked his breath at the sensation of her hand sliding over his shaft. She caught his lips and nibbled lovingly.

With a sneaky grin, he reached for the dark energy within him and flowed around her. She yelped when he lifted her body in the air. He caught her and wrapped her legs snug around his torso. Blue flames evaporated from her body. He caught her weight and grinned against her flushed body.

Shepard gave him a sneaky grin of her own and rubbed her heated center against his bare skin until he hissed.

“I won’t be responsible of my actions if you that again,” he warned.

“Is that so?” Shepard breathed, she rolled her hips again.

Kaidan smacked her ass and his heart sang at sound of her laughter.

It finally dawned to him as he maneuver them toward the bedroom. 

Everything didn’t matter. Not his Spectre candidacy. Not Cerberus. Not even the Reapers. Nothing. He'd give everything just to hear her laugh.

And it will always be for her.


	7. Chapter 7

Sweat dribbled across the side of her face. Her breathing grew deep. A groan escaped her throat and she reach out blindly and her fingers sunk into his thick dark curls.

Among the coherent things that Shepard could think of at the moment, she dimly acknowledge that Aria T'Loak was completely right in this. She does need a man to warm her bed. Specifically, a man with a very very talented tongue.

Shepard brought the back of her hand to muffle her gasps but it was futile when she strained against waves intense pleasure and short stubble that rubbed against her sensitive flesh. But as soon as she began to peak, he would lift his head away and nibble the inside of her thighs until she stop writhing against the sheets. Then he would start it all over again.

It was one of the game they used to play but she was not in the mood for him to test the limits of her patience. She grabbed a fistful of the hair at the back of his skull and lift his head until she could stare into his hooded eyes.

"Don't you think you've appreciate me enough?"

Kaidan grinned. "I thought I was just getting started."

Shepard yelped when he sunk his face against her crotch and became even more attentive than before. She tried to get away from him but the grip around her thighs tightened to keep her from moving.

She gathered whatever remains of her tattered dignity and call on to her commanding persona.

"Are you waiting for the end of the freaking galaxy, Alenko?"

She felt his shoulder shook and she barely keep the smile out of her face when he finally crawl over her. He frowned at her with a playful chastising look.

"Abusing your authority again, Shepard? I might have to file a report. I won't guarantee it would look good on your yearly performance review."

Shepard squealed when he nearly smothered her with a kiss. She could taste herself but the bastard doesn't seem to be in a hurry when he tease her again with his hard cock against her pussy but not entering. She growled against his lips in frustration.

An idea came to her. She lifted her hip so that she could tighten her legs around his waist. She reach for his elbow to knock him out of balance and twisted her hips and flipped him onto his back.

Kaidan grumbled when he stared up at her. "I think I'm starting to regret teaching you that trick."

"Tough luck, fly boy."

Shepard breathed against his lips as she straddled herself over his hip. She slowly slid down onto his cock but she couldn't stop herself clawing against his chest. She felt him tense under her and she opened her eyes and saw his concern.

"Take your time," he reassured her as she tried to get used to his size. He slipped a finger between her cleft again and massaged her until her inner muscles relaxed around him.

Shepard started to rock her hips and slowly build up the rhythm until they were both panting and groaning until their toes curled in ecstasy.

Unable to stop himself, he sat up and gathered her writhing body against his chest. She tried to keep the pace but it grew increasingly difficult to concentrate when he caught her beaded nipples with his tongue and each pull from his lips made her grew even more delirious. She tightened her muscles around him and felt him jerk under her and hissed when he went deeper.

By the maker. It was too much.

She heard herself scream and dimly aware that he carefully lay her on the bed again and began to pound into her in earnest. Delirium flooded her senses until she felt nothing but drunk with pleasure. She held onto him when he finally came.

She closed her eyes and savored the feel of his weight until he was able to move away. He lay on her side and gathered her body. She moved slightly until she was spooned against his body.

"Bastard," she muttered and felt him chuckle against her ear.

"A complaint? I guess I have to do everything all over again."

Shepard giggled and sighed when she felt a soft kiss against her head. They lay in comfortable silence as their body cool down and their lust sated even if she could feel him growing hard against the back of her thigh.

She turned around and saw that he was leaning on his hand with his elbow propped against the rumpled beddings. He was smiling down at her. She lifted her head for a kiss and he obliged her with a slow gentle kiss.

"Definitely worth the wait," she sighed when he finally lift his head.

His face turned somber as he reach over to stroke her hair from her face.

"Do you want to elaborate on that?"

Shepard tilted her head. She pondered on his meaning and realized he was talking about the silent treatment she gave to him in the last few months after their Horizon. The unanswered calls and the messages.

"Still mad, huh?"

"What do you think?"

She could hear the hurt in his voice and she buried her face against his chest. Tasting his skin. The pale scars that lined his otherwise smooth skin. Inhaling his scent. The steady beat of his heart. The reassuring proof that everything she had done was not all for nothing. At least he was safe.

"I don't need to be safe."

Shepard gulped, realizing she was thinking out loud. Cautiously she look up to see his eyebrows furrowed. She reach out to smooth them or at least attempting to.

"I know. Occupational hazard and all."

"Is this because of Cerberus? Or the Illusive Man?"

She stare at him dumbly. She never expected to hear that coming from his mouth. "Anderson told you?"

"Only from the reports you gave. Seems like a special kind of prick. Is he the reason why you won't reach out to me?"

"It wasn't that simple," she said, almost reluctantly.

"Did he threatened you with me?"

Shepard tried to give him a reassuring smile but she knew it was fake. He forced her to look into his eyes. Almost daring her to reveal her secrets. As expected, he always see right through her.

"Why does it even matter now, Kaidan? Everything work out either way. I stopped the Collectors. I cut ties with Cerberus."

"It matters because you still don't trust me."

Not this again.

She tried to pull away but he tightened his arms around her and twisted until she was on her back again. She glared at him in silence.

"Stubborn woman," he said.

"Don't push your luck, space magic boy."

"Now that was plain mean," he muttered and kissed the side of her neck. "You don't have to do everything alone."

"I am not alone. I have people and a ship."

"Then who is taking care of you while you’re running around the Terminus and making trouble for everyone."

She rolled her eyes. "We had this conversation before. And I am fine on my own without you. Thank you very much."

"Being alone surrounded by Cerberus is much more preferable than me?”

“A lot of things happened since then. You said it yourself. You’re with Alliance and I was already too deep with Cerberus. I don’t want to drag you into it.”

“What is done is done, right? And I don't think I can complain that much. The better highlight of this year is finding out that a long dead fiancée is alive and well," Kaidan paused, he softened his gaze for her. "Do you think it was easy to live in a world without you in it?"

She stare at him and bit her lips to keep them from trembling. "And do you think it was easy for me too?"

His face was unreadable but she could feel the tension seeped away from his muscles.

"We had a madman on the loose. He want me dead. Big deal. Been there and done that, right?"

Shepard realized he was referring to Saren and punched him in the arm. "You're not funny."

"We have been through this before. I don't want you to put your life at risk again for my sake. We are a team. Partners. We are in this together. I am not your damsel and I don't want you to be my knight in shining armor. I can't even start on how much that hurt my pride."

She giggled and reach out to rub his rough cheeks. She touched the adorable dimple there.

"Even when you're having one of your tantrums?"

"Especially that. Or whatever you want to call it. We talk. We work things out. That's how normal people do."

"We're not normal people, Kaidan."

"No? But we could say that we've tried. You don't need to be a hero or handle everything by yourself."

"I am not alone. I have Joker and Chakwas. I have Garrus and Tali as support."

"Did they give secret hugs and kisses too?"

"Is that jealousy I'm hearing?"

"Something wrong with that?"

Shepard smirked and his mouth captured hers. But she remembered something and pushed him away before he get overly excited.

She reached for his hand and activated her subdermal implant. Hr omni-tool glowed around her arm and she laid her palm on top of his. Following her cue, he activated his implant and almost immediately his omni-tool began to download an encrypted folder.

They waited in silence until the files were fully transferred. She waited for his reaction but he did nothing except letting the interface fade. After a long silence, she nudged him with her knee.

"Aren't you curious about that?"

"At the moment, I have another part of my anatomy that was more than curious," he said, he wiggled his eyebrows and pointed it downward.

Shepard smacked him on the butt which he responded by nearly smothering her with another kiss. She cried out and tried to tickle her way for escape but he restrained her arms easily with his biotics.

"That's cheating," she said around his mouth. Her skin tingled as the stasis field began to wear off.

"When did I ever plan to play fair with you?" He gave her a smug look as he maneuvered himself between her legs.

Shepard tried to think of a smart come back but whatever it was was drowned by another hot kiss. And for the next second, neither of them were interested in anything except for each other.

 

"Former Alliance and civilians. Cerberus really don't trust you with their own people."

Shepard hissed when she nearly slice his ear when he move his head. He was sitting on a chair in the living room with his omni-tool up. She was behind his back, armed with a pair of sharp scissors and a straight comb.

"Alenko, could you stop moving before I cause some unnecessary damage to you and your hair style."

"It was just hair, Shepard."

"And you really need to stop using your biotics to keep your curls up. They're getting frizzy."

"That was static," he grumbled.

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that. Such a big baby."

"I've created a monster," he sighed.

Shepard bit her lips as she run through her fingers over the longer section above his head. Somehow she manage to tame his hair into something semblance to a regulation haircut. Shorter at the sides, slight longer over his head but not enough that his curls would grow out into an unsightly bun he usually sported.

It was amazing that she remembered the steps especially since it was something she taught herself in the early days of their relationship. There was something calming and deeply personal about grooming a man's hair especially someone she care so deeply. As an orphan, she hardly had the chance to touch someone like this. Particularly with him trusting her with very sharp objects.

She was careful to keep the length evenly distributed but now that his hair was shorter, it was hard not to notice his implant port and the scars at the base of his skull. She set down the scissors and straight comb and brush stray hairs away his shoulder. She pour a small dollop of his favorite hair cream and began to warm them in her hands before massaging his head.

Kaidan was still busy looking through the dossiers of her crew members. Mostly her navigators, lower deck crew and engineers. She tried not to worry when he had his people monitor the tracker she had placed on them before they left her ship. She answered whatever she can when he asked for more details and kept silent when he asked about several locked dossiers.

A few days ago, she offered every one of her crew a choice. Return to Cerberus or have a chance for a normal life after the horrible ordeal they went through at the Collector base. Not all of them agreed including Joker and most of her squad mates. She included an unbreakable encryption that will unlock their folders the moment they agreed to the terms of her offers.

It was Miranda who came up with it before she disappeared. It was during the final legs of their suicide mission when Illusive Man contacted her and became incensed when Shepard choose to destroy the base. He had commanded Miranda to stop her and instead she boldly announced her resignation. Chakwas mentioned that Miranda had briefly contacted her for a consultation about the Lazarus' implants but the line was encrypted and there is no way Shepard could reconnect her again.

Even at the moment, the Illusive Man did his best to ruin her reputation aggressively. He kept using footage from the Collector ship and her as propaganda to drive recruitment for his cause.

It was one of the reason why she went to Citadel in the first place with the intention to surrender herself to the Alliance and to the Council. Until she secured the safety of her ship and her crew, everyone was vulnerable to the Illusive Man. She had seen what Cerberus was capable of. She knew the attempt on her life a few days ago would be the first of many.

Kaidan leaned against her fingers, he had his omni-tool turned off and now enjoying the circular motions across his temple.

"That feels good," he murmured as her fingers went over his hairline. She lean closer to kiss the back of his head and wrapped her arms around him. "Something wrong, Shepard?"

What didn't go wrong?

Just when she thought everyone would go back to normal, the Collectors attacked her ship and she was spaced. Cerberus had to rebuild her so they could use her to fight the Collectors for them. She accomplished her impossible mission and everyone gone to their separate ways. Everything should return back to normal, right?

At least, Kaidan was back in her life. In the last few days, she felt genuine happiness by being near him, something she never felt since she escaped Lazarus station which was barely a few months ago.

As a child survivor of Mindoir, she had suffered through enough tragedies to last a lifetime. For nearly twenty years she thought she could live being alone and unattached. Then he became the single greatest thing that ever happen to her in a very long time. Now that she tasted happiness, it does nothing but renew the fear that lay dormant inside her. The fates had taught her well enough that such happiness always come at a great cost.

Two years ago, she had let herself dream and they had plans. Now she had no delusions about where their relationship was heading. Even without military regulations keeping them apart, it was unlikely they would allow them both to be together. She could never figure out how Cerberus knew about their relationship from the start. It was too dangerous for them to be together.

There was no future for them.

She was too much a screw up for a guy like him and he deserved someone better than her.

Realizing that she was seeing the world in watery haze, she loosened her arms to wipe them away. She ignored the look he was giving to her and she began to clean up the mess. A cleaning bot emerged from underneath the table. It began to vacuum the floor for the smaller pieces of hair she missed.

By the time she was done, she was restless enough that she began to clean up the remains of their breakfast. Domestic chores have a way to help block the anxiety away. Either that or physical training. Or cleaning her collection of sniper rifles.

If that didn’t work, she could take up drinking again. She could down several bottles of Krogan or Turian liquor like they were made of water. Because of her enhancement, it took five time the normal amounts of hard alcohol to make her drunk. Which usually meant she would immediately pass out and try to kill anyone who try to wake her up.

She was so deep in her thoughts that it took her by surprise when she was pulled into a warm embrace from behind.

"Having second thoughts again?" he whispered against her ear.

Shepard groaned inwardly and turned around to face him. He lean slightly to kiss the frown away from her forehead.

"Did you know that you are not helping your case about biotics having no psychic abilities."

He waved a hand over her face and wore a sagely demeanor. "Think of happy things involving naked me."

She gave him a blank stare. "You have no power over me."

"Wrong pop culture reference. We really need to fix that."

"I am not even from Earth. Why should I care about 20th century classics anyway."

"I don't care. It have space magic and a cute princess in metal bikini who like to shoot things."

"You're full of shit."

Kaidan snorted. "And you realize that now?"

She pushed him away only to loop her arms around his neck. She reach up to play with his short curls.

"Why do you have to be so cute?"

"Is that a bad thing?" he said with another of his smile that lit his face. She could feel herself melting.

"You're lucky that you have your uses, Alenko."

"I thought you are just using me for my cock."

She sighed wistfully. "Well, can't really blame a girl for that."

Kaidan chuckled and she licked his lower lips. He tightened his hold on her and tease her with lightest kisses and they played with each other until they started to pant.

"No," she gasped and pulled away when he started to lift her shirt. "I'm still sore and its all your fault."

Kaidan caught her again and rubbed his stubbly face against her neck. "I have medigel."

"You're not helping."

He grumbled and smack her on the ass before he let her go. She returned the gesture and ran away laughing before he could grab her again.

Something fell on the ground with a thud. It was his officer's jacket. When she bend down to pick it up but something fell from the pocket and she caught it in her hand. It was a clear plastic.

She was about to put it down when her thumb brushed the center and the center of it ripple at her touch. She froze as a familiar haunting melody began to fill the air. She dimly aware of Kaidan calling her name but she was unable to move.

"Where did you get this?" she said almost hysterically.

Kaidan caught sight the item she was holding in her hand. He clenched his jaw.

"Put that down. Now."

Noticing the sudden change, she did as he ordered and he pulled her away from it. He held her face up and gave a loud sigh in relief as if he was expecting something to bad happen to her.

"Are you okay? Do you feel anything different when you touch it?"

She frowned in confusion. "I'm fine but where did you get that thing?"

"Long story. Damn it, I should have thought it was more than a simple plastic."

"Do you expect it to blow up when I touch it?"

He had an incredulous look on his face that made her regret asking him that. He grabbed his jacket and pulled her toward their bedroom.

"That's it. We're going to Terra Nova now."

"Kaidan, what is going on? How did you get that thing?"

"Someone passed it to Rahna and make it look like it was nothing but rigged it so it would only respond to you. This is weird as fuck to be a coincidence."

"Rahna?"

"Just an old friend. Nothing more."

That was cold. Shepard hid her smile and watched him reaching out for a duffel bag underneath his bed.

It happened too quickly that she felt the shockwave first before Kaidan shove her to the floor. Pieces of wood and glasses exploded from the doorway. The partition wall barely held up against the initial blast.

Kaidan was covered in bright blue flames and he had a calm battle-hardened look on his face.

"They were after you. Stay hidden," he whispered against her ear as they heard people outside the room.

Like hell.

Shepard scrambled on her feet and realized he was engaging them head on without any weapons on him. It happened so fast that he was gone before she could reach out for him.

She heard a loud sound of something cracking and another biotic explosion. She barely at the doorway when a full armored mercenary was thrown against the wall.

She dimly aware of another scream and the biotic shock waves that accompanied it. She went to the dead merc for his weapons.

"I saw Shepard!"

She immediately dive sideways and barely escape the streams of bullets that rained the wall near the dead merc. Before they caught her inside their crosshair, she tuned her kinetic shield into camouflage mode and ran toward a pair of mercenary.

She activated her omni-blade and sunk it deep in unprotected seams between the merc's armor and helmet. There was a silent gurgling and hiss when the the superheated blade cleave through his throat.

She grabbed his sidearm and aim toward the nearest merc. She squeeze the trigger without hesitation. The first shot took him in the chest while the second caught through his visor. It was a kill shot.

She could see Kaidan from across the room. He used his biotic to lift the man upward and slam him down hard on the floor.

A flash of movement. She found the last gunman sneaking up behind Kaidan with his shotgun. She fired first. The gunman's head snapped and he fell on the floor.

By the time the smoke clear away, she saw all the broken bodies and blood pooled around them. She could hear the emergency alarm blaring and sounds of heavy feet coming outside the apartment. She relaxed when she saw them in Alliance and C-Sec colors.

Kaidan neared her. The blue flames faded from his body but it was the deadly look in his eyes that was so inhuman that made her shiver.

The only mercenary who was still alive was the last man who she just shot between the neck. It was a slow death as the man struggled to breath with his hand on his neck, trying to stop himself from bleeding. She pulled his helmet off him and gaped at the familiar face.

"Toombs?"

"Fuck you. Cerberus bitch."

Shepard watched in horror as her former friend spat more bloody curses at her. All she could do was watch as the light faded from his eyes and his still body inside the growing pool of his blood.


End file.
